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Kettle Black Features


Husbands and Knives
(c) 1999 by Craig Conley

Twenty Shocking Parallels in the Lives of Yukio Mishima and Woody Allen

  1. Residents of Westernized islands.
  2. Short male persons.
  3. Directors shunned by Hollywood.
  4. Existentialists.
  5. Commited public “suicide.”
  6. Expressed nostalgic yearning.
  7. Avidly absorbed the culture of the East (or the Upper East Side).
  8. Withstood vulgar curiosity about biographical anecdotes.
  9. Obsessed with social disgrace.
  10. Strong feelings about raw fish.
  11. Involved with Oriental women.
  12. Interested in masks and disguises to express facets of their personality.
  13. Fascinated by their own celebrity.
  14. Recounted traumatic episodes from youth.
  15. Attended tea ceremonies (or at least the Russian Tea Room).
  16. Brandished phallic symbol representative of their art (sword/clarinet).
  17. Forged in the smithy of their souls the uncreated conscience of their race.
  18. Resisted fulfilling the role of son, husband, and father, yet desired to preserve ancestral tradition.
  19. Wore costumes of period which they believed themselves to personify (Samurai robe/trenchcoat).
  20. Died in their thoughts every morning.